[b]Unofficial[/b] Joke Contest

[Kristopher]

This is the "Just for Fun" section, so I thought I would host the first Annual Unofficial Joke Contest here. :) Now's your chance to Win! Win! Win!... But there aren't any prises. :) Post your favorite or original joke HERE! :) There's never too many smilies... :)

[nuclearw]

Does your post and the lack of responses qualify? :)

[Kristopher]

It's like everyone left at the same time... Oh, well. :D

[nuclearw]

Well if its any consolation, I got a laught out of it :)

[Astragali]

Two babies walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says, "Aren't we in the wrong joke?"

:)

Mark

[WauloK]

Two fish are in a tank...

One says "I'll drive and you man the guns!"

[GavinFabL]

A chicken goes into a library , goes upto the librarian and says

"Boooock" (said with chicken ascent)

The librarian gives the chicken 1 book.

Next day the chicken comes back and says

"Boooock, boooock"

So 2 books are given to the chicken.

The next day the chicken is back again , and says.

"Booooock, booooock, booooock"

So the librarian gives 3 books to the chicken.

The next day the chicken is back again and says

"boooooooock, booooooock, boooooock, boooooooock"

The librarian gives 4 books to the chicken.

Once again , the very next day the chicken goes into the library and asks for 5 booooooocks.

The librarian decides to follow the chicken home and sees the chicken handing each book to a frog, As the book is handed over to the frog, the frog says

"Red it, Red it, Red it, Red it, Red it!" (said is frog ascent).


Courtesy of my 9 yr old son, Anthony.

[Astragali]

Two friends, Colin and Barry, are walking home from the pub one night when a policeman, walking on the other side of the street, stops, looks at them both suspiciously, then smiles, waves and says, "Hello, Colin, good to see you again!"
Colin waves back and says hello.
Barry (who's had a few), laughs as he says to Colin, "Do you know everyone or something?"
"Yes, I do, actually," replies Colin in all seriousness.
Barry replies with a suitably rude noise, before adding, "Go on then - prove it!"
"OK, name someone."
"Tony Blair."
"Yep, I know him," replies Colin.
"I said prove it."

So the next day, the pair of them go up to Downing Street. Barry thinks they're going to be stopped at the police barrier but (naturally) the policemen on duty recognise Colin and let them both in.
The policeman on the door also recognises Colin, and goes inside to tell the Blairs. A few moments later, Tony and Cherie are coming through the door of Number 10, smiling like loons, and invite Colin and Barry in for tea and little cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
Barry is suitably impressed, but not convinced that Colin knows everyone, so he sets Colin a second challenge: George "Dubya" Bush.

Having nothing better to do, they head for the White House the next day. On arrival, Colin and Barry are ushered in by beaming security guards and led to George and Laura, who are very pleased to see their old friend Colin once more, and of course, any friend of Colin's is a friend of theirs.
Barry is by now pretty much overwhelmed, but has just one last test for Colin: The Pope.

So once more, they head across the world, and reach The Vatican. A huge crowd is gathered around, watching His Holiness Benedict XVI giving a sermon up on the balcony. "Now, you've got to understand, Barry, that even though the Swiss Guards know me, they're not going to let you in, so if you see me up on the balcony with His Holiness, you'll believe that I know him?"
Barry reluctantly nods, and stays in the square, watching the balcony, while Colin heads off. A few minutes later, Barry sees Colin emerge onto the balcony and Pope Benedict, realising there is someone behind him, turns around. Barry can't hear what's going on, but has to believe what he sees: His Holiness throwing his arms out wide, and then embracing Colin warmly.
Up on the balcony, Colin is talking happily with the Pope, when he notices Barry collapsing. He quickly but politely makes his exit, and dashes across the square, arriving by Barry's side just as his friend is coming to.
"Barry, mate, are you OK?"
"Yeah, yeah," says Barry, still slightly dazed. "It was just what that bloke over there said to me."
"What did he say?"
"He looked up at the balcony and said, 'Who's the man in the cap and robe talking to Colin?"

:)

Mark

[Kristopher]

Why does Peter Pan always fly?

Because he can never never land. :)

[tobeast]

A couple decides to flee from the harsh European winter and to book a one week vacation in the carribean. Unfortunately because of her job, the wife has to leave one day later than her husband.
So when her husband arrives at his hotel, he drops his wife an email.
Unfortunately, he mixed up two letters in the email-address and so his email arrives at an elderly woman's computer who has just returned from her husband's funeral. Her son hears a scream and he rushs to his mother who has fallen unconcious.
On the monitor he reads:

To: My beloved wife

From: Your before-traveled husband

Subject: Arrived well

Darling,
I've just arrived. I've already settled in here and I see that everything is prepared for you already. I hope you have a nice trip and I'm awaiting you tomorrow.
Love,
your husband

PS: It sure is hot down here!!!

[Cheryl]

Hey Gavin, Tell Anthony that was a great joke :)

[GavinFabL]

Hey Gavin, Tell Anthony that was a great joke :)

I showed Antony your reply. He's very happy. but he told me off for spelling his name wrong. I put the h in it. His name is without the h.

[Cheryl]

Oops.. hehe... hey Antony, sometimes parent's get a little confused ;)

[rentawitch]

Little boy goes into shop and says,
Hello, do you have any helicopter flavour crisps?

Sorry, son, the man replies, we only have plain!

[ricoca]

I know a funny one but unfortunatly it has some cus words, and don't know if that would be ok, maybe it i put just the first letter, but I wouldn't do it without knowing if it would be ok

don't want to offend any one, but it is a good one

[ricoca]

Actually just remembered another one that has no bad words, here goes.......

ther'es a bus filled with senior citizens ont he way to atlantic city, one of the old ladies gives the driver a hand full of peanuts, so he accepts them and eats them, after a little while she comes back with more peanuts and he eats them again, this went on for several times, until finally the bus driver asks the old lady, how come you don't eat the peanuts, she says because I can't chew them, so he asks, then why do you buy them? She simply says because I like the chocolate.........................

[GavinFabL]

did you hear about the baby born in the hi-tech unit?

........

it was cordless !!!!

[JacobCook]

I no its really late but i know people will still look at this and i had to tell someone this joke Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Astragali]

I no its really late but i know people will still look at this and i had to tell someone this joke Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Just to be totally nerdy, this joke (originally by the late, great Spike Milligan) was voted as the world's funniest joke by the Laughlab experiment (http://www.laughlab.co.uk).

So does that mean it automagically wins this unofficial contest? :)

[Mike]

Bad duck jokes. I love em.

Duck walks into a bar, says to the barman "Pint of Guinness please". The barman says "Hell's bells! A talking duck!",

"Yeah, yeah", says the duck. "It's no biggie really... Actually, I'm looking for a job. Don't suppose you know of any going?".

"Well..." says the barman, "there's a building site down the road. They might be looking for someone. But why would you want to do manual labour? You're a talking duck! You could make a fortune in entertainment." The duck shrugs this off, pays the barman, and waddles off on his search for work.

The next day, Steven Spielberg comes into the bar.; The barman gets all excited. "Mr. Spielberg, you'll never believe it. Yesterday, a talking duck came in looking for work. A real life talking duck!"
"Wow!" Spielberg replies. "I could do with that guy for my next movie". He drinks up and leaves his card.

The next day, the duck waddles back in. Once again, the barman is excited. "Oi, duck! You'll never believe it. Yesterday, Steven Spielberg was in here, and he's dying to meet you!"

"Really?" Says, the duck. "...what does he want with a plasterer?"

[txrascal]

I hadn't seen this before, I like it. :) I don't have any jokes but I laughed, thanks! :D

[CKay]

Okay, since it seems that ducks are on at least one other person's mind: here's MY duck joke...

A duck walks into the general store.
"Got any duck food?" He quacks.
"Nope. Get outta here, you wildlife you!"
Next day, the duck is back. "Got any duck food?"
"Nope. I told you to get lost."
Next day, same drill. "Got any duck food?"
"Lookit, duck! I ain't got any duck food, and if you come back again, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"
Next day, the duck is back.
"Got any nails?"
"Nope."
"Good. Got any duck food?"

[Buggs41]

Two men walk into a bar.
The third man ducked.

[CKay]

Is that "officially" a duck joke?